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And now, Adam and Joe.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe, and welcome to our highlights podcast of this week's Adam and Joe show on BBC 6 Music.
Hey, Joe, do you know that Steve Wright often mentions us?
I don't know if he's obliged to play our trails or what, but he often favorably mentions us on his Radio 2 show.
After he's played a trail?
Yeah.
Well, that's enormously flattering.
We grew up with Steve Wright.
I mean, that's amazing.
He's like a kind of genius.
We actually grew up with him, though.
Yeah, in his house.
In the orphanage.
He's our dad.
So for our dad to actually be saying that he likes what we do is a tremendously encouraging thing.
Especially after all the beatings and the special cupboard we'd be locked in.
Administered, yeah.
Him and Phil Cornwell used to beat us to a pulp in the 80s.
No, that's not true.
But it is true that it's nice of him to mention that.
That's just by the by.
Listeners, we've got a wonderful podcast for you today with the results of the Grazia Song Wars, a wonderful textination about new ideas for BBC Three, and of course, our very special guest.
We never have guests on any of the radio shows that we do, so it's very unusual for us to be joined by another human being.
And this time it's Chris Salt.
Say hi, Chris.
Hi, Chris.
And Chris won our Video Wars competition.
How did you find being on the show today, Chris?
It was exciting and fun and... Yeah, that's fair enough.
I would say that's a fair assessment of what it's like.
You can tell that Chris has been tortured and indoctrinated by BBC staff in the Big British Castle's own version of
Guantanamo Bay.
He's been thoroughly waterboarded.
He is wearing electrodes on his nipples.
An orange jumpsuit.
So he can only say favourable things about the show.
He's in such terror of getting any sort of disapproval.
What we are going to do with you though Chris is force you to do some little stings because I'm a bit worried that we're sort of repeating too many of our stings on these podcasts.
I need to do some new ones but until I get the time to actually sort that out
We're going to vary things a little today.
So if you could go home and just prepare some stings, try and make them good.
Don't use your own voice, just make them musical.
Try and use some samples off the show maybe.
And have them here for this time next week.
Four of them, otherwise we'll kill you.
Also, you're from somewhere in the north, is that right?
I am.
That's where Sting is from.
So if you could get him involved, then it would be a double whammy.
Obviously, we're joking completely about that.
What, about Sting?
Not about Sting, but about doing the rest of the jingles.
I think Adam was suggesting you did some spoken ones here and now.
Is that what you were getting at?
Yeah, I was going to say, listen out, listeners, because Chris is going to be laying down some amazing jingle jongles for you in this very podcast.
So that's a treat.
How do you feel about that, Chris?
considering you knew nothing about it five seconds ago.
I can't wait.
Here we go.
Enjoy!
But we've got a very exciting show for you this morning, listeners.
We've got a special guest in the studio.
We'll reveal him or her or it later.
Plus, we've got the results of Song Wars coming up and all sorts of exciting chit-chat.
The nation's favourite feature.
I've got a cat crisis.
Oh, what's the matter with your cat?
I need help.
I need help from listeners who understand cat politics.
We've got a cat.
Yeah.
You love cats.
She's called Macy.
I do.
I'm keen on cats in general, but I'm not mad about it.
I've only got one.
You are mad.
I've only got one cat called Macy.
Didn't even get it myself.
She just turned up when we bought our house.
She needed someone to look after her.
She behaved all nice so we took her in and now she basically runs our lives as cats do.
Only lets us stroke her when she feels like it.
Basically she rules the roost.
She's got a very right wing.
Is that what you're going to say?
She's very, very right-wing.
Supports, well, very keen on Cameron, you know.
Yeah.
Loves John McCain.
Loves John McCain.
Really likes that new woman, Michael Palin.
Michelle Palin.
Michael Palin's daughter.
Yeah.
That's really swung about.
Ripping yarns.
Bear-killing yarns.
Anyway, we've got a very right-wing cat.
And today, yesterday in fact, at our back door, guess what turns up?
A catpop.
A kitten.
A kitten?
The most amazingly sweet kitten you've ever seen with a huge head and a tiny body.
Macy's kitten?
No, not her kitten.
Well, I don't know.
How can you tell?
It looks a bit like Macy crossed with the local neighbourhood tomcat.
Stupid face.
Looks like a combination.
Anyway, this giant headed kitten turns up.
Sweetest kitten you've ever seen.
With misty eyes.
Obviously got cataracts or whatever you get in your eyes.
Only a kitten though.
Dogaracts.
Misted over eyes.
That's what they get.
Meowing so sweetly.
uh looking very thin right so we thought well we gotta we gotta help this cat are you sure it wasn't kylie minogue yeah it could have been kylie minogue she's very small that's what she looks huge head yeah quite attractive it's probably kylie anyway we don't know what to do because our our existing cat is now very upset at this interloper fair enough hissing uh you know
Her tail is going all brushy, standing on end.
She really doesn't like this new kitten.
But the new kitten is so in need of help.
Mewing.
Imagine the little misty... And it had a cough this morning.
When I first saw it, I thought, nah, it belongs to somebody.
I kind of gave it a bit of an inspection and a sniff.
I smelled its fur to see whether it'd been sleeping outside.
It didn't smell like it had.
But this morning, after all the rain, it's turned up with a little hacking cough.
Are you...
Oh, not really.
Are you sure it's not like a little disease bag you've allowed into your house?
Well, should I should I banish it because it has disease?
Because you don't really like diseases.
You're quite a clean.
Yeah.
No, I'm a clean.
You love clean.
I am a clean.
It's an acronym for people who are paranoid about cleanliness.
But you you are quite you like you don't like people being around you if they've got colds and stuff.
So, that's true though, isn't it?
No, not really.
But if someone's got a cold, you say, have you got a cold?
And you sort of back off from them, because you don't want to get the cold.
Fair enough.
For the sake of the conversation, I'll say yes.
That's fair enough.
That's actually not true.
I'm not saying you're freakish.
I'm just saying, you don't really like that kind of thing.
What should I do about this cat?
Get rid of it!
What do you mean, get rid of it?
It's in need.
It's going to die.
It's going to go blind, and it's going to die.
It's an old, highly renowned, shaped disease bag you've let into your house.
What should I do?
I'm going to take it to the vet to see if it's chipped.
Chipped?
Yeah.
What, like the ceramics?
But how do I get my existing cat over this little kitten?
How do I make my existing cat accept it?
What should I do with the little kitten?
It's just so far off my radar, I would never have let the little thing in there in the first place.
Well, that's why I'm asking the listeners.
What, you'd just leave it out there to die?
Yes.
Never mind, you poor little brave thing.
You are blind and you have bronchitis.
There's little hope for you.
Good luck.
Enjoy your two days of suffering.
I'd say that's the game.
That's the game.
It's like Dr. Dre.
Get out there, player.
With a little cat.
Yo, he's a little pussycat outside.
That's the game.
Be a true player.
It's a little bit of milk for ya.
He'd give it some Pritt stick and a cigarette.
And send it packing.
It's all part of the game, yo.
Maybe I'll see ya, maybe I won't.
That's what vets are like in the hood.
Just an Uzi and a... and a counter.
Well, let's see if our listeners can provide you with some good advice.
Gotta help the kitten.
wars.
Now, yes, Song Wars.
Last week's subject was Grazia magazine, one of the top selling lady mags.
And we were tasked with writing a song using text from the magazine.
We weren't allowed to change the text at all.
And I did one on the contents page and Adam did one on a moving column about a lady who had been recently bereaved and was now newly looking for love.
Is that correct?
Yeah, yeah.
So we had an email from a lady called Hannah Marriott, who's the entertainment writer at Grazia.
She says, hi Adam and Jo, a little birdie tells us that Grazia's the subject of this week's Song Wars, which is very exciting news for us six music fans.
I'm afraid I spent Saturday in a digital radio free zone, so I didn't catch the show this week.
So, could you tell me, have you actually broadcast the song yet, or will you be singing it on Saturday?
I can't wait to have a listen.
Many thanks and all the best, Hannah.
When was this sent?
The 1st of September, when was that?
It was a few days ago, wasn't it now?
So she's probably, someone's probably played them to her?
Well, as long as she doesn't play the chitchat around it, it's a bit rude.
Some of it's a bit rude about Grazia, mainly Adam.
May have sounded as if it was me, but actually there was, Adam had a weird thing in his throat that week.
I was going to say, your song is absolutely fine because it's just the contents pages.
But then at the end, you deliver a damning blow by calling the women that read it stupid.
In the song, silly.
See, that's not an insult.
Silly women are fun.
They just appreciate the fun aspects of life.
Oh, you silly Billy, that sort of thing.
No, I'm not saying they're stupid.
I'm just saying they're really extra fun to have around Wasn't that was that not clear?
Well, I was worried about mine as well.
I wrestled with the taste Implications if you did and I played it to my wife and she wasn't impressed.
No She's a grazia reader loves grazia, and she said so she's a silly woman.
She is a little bit silly
You see, I don't mean that rudely.
So, it's the joie de vivre.
Yeah, she wasn't impressed.
She asked me what the hell I thought I was doing and she didn't think it was very funny.
So, let's find out.
Let's find out.
Who won in the end, shall we?
I'd like you to secretly record your wife's admonishing one week and bring it in.
It was quiet.
There wasn't much said.
Wow, that's extra powerful.
The silence spoke volumes.
Now listen, I know I'm going to lose.
I think it's probably going to be about 397, I'm expecting.
Before you read the results, one or two emails just to show you the spread of opinion on these songs.
One from William Thomas, copywriter.
Is that his third name?
I don't know.
He could be a rapper.
My vote for song was this week's goes to Adam for his Grazia tune, which was brilliantly tasteless and fun.
Joe's was lacking.
What happened, Joe?
You need to find your mojo once again.
Maybe you should try throwing a tantrum too.
He's right.
That was a little double-edged stab there.
James Pittendray.
Right.
Hi Adam and Joe.
Well, this week has been really tricky to decide.
When you started Song Wars, they were quite amusing and simple little songs.
You probably spent a few hours each on GarageBand.
Now, you've both got these really well-polished songs that you must have spent ages on and have put a lot into.
They have layers, nuances and all that.
However, this could just be the absence of Song Wars talking and actually the songs are terrible.
What does that mean?
However, I'm voting Adam as Joe seems to be stuck in a Bowie-esque rut.
Well, that's because... Forward slash labyrinth.
You led him down that critical avenue.
You were the one that said that.
It's funny, isn't it?
When you make suggestions about your own shortcomings and people pick up on them.
It's a valuable lesson.
It's true.
Anyway, yeah, there's various other emails.
There's a spread of opinion, but basically...
is going to win and I'm fine with that.
And you reckon you're not going to get creamed by that much?
Yeah, I think it's going to be about 3.97.
It's 91.9.
There you go.
To me.
That's fine.
That's alright.
It's alright.
You know, is the track at number one in the charts the best track currently available?
No, it's the Pussycat Dolls.
It's the worst track currently available.
So what do I learn from that?
I'm Video Wars winner Chris Soule and I'm here with Adam and Joe and they won't let me go until I record these stings.
Here's another bit now.
Nice.
Can I confess to liking a Phil Collins album?
Go on then, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of Phil.
There's one Phil Collins album, is it Hello I Must Be Going?
That's got the Earth, Wind and Fire horns on it.
Oh yeah.
And there's a couple of tracks that are just amazing.
He's due for reassessment surely, Collins.
I might play some Collins.
Yeah.
yeah next week do you like um mama that's no mama's genesis though isn't it mama yeah that's not collins is that even gabriel solo no no that's collins he's got collins has got his stuff all over it over that one
Oh please!
Tell me mama!
So weird that song.
We should play it at some point surely.
I'm not going to play it.
I'm going to play some good Collins with some earth, wind and fire horns on them next week.
I'm going to play some bad Collins.
You bring in some good Collins, I'll bring in mama.
Well, good is all in the ears of the listener.
Hey listen listeners, thank you for all your responses to my cat problems.
It's brilliant having a radio show for things like this, because I'm being inundated with good advice.
One of the most alarming things is here has come in from Reenat.
What?
Yeah, she's saying that apparently the cataracts in its eyes might be as a result of malnutrition.
So it's already very ill.
I'm going to take it to the vet.
As soon as I leave the show, I'm going to take it to the vet.
Take it to the vet!
And I'm going to get it looked at and taken care of.
That's what James Brown would have advised.
I promise, little kitten, I promise I'll help you.
Take it to the vet!
You're so callous.
You laugh in the face of illness and death and tiny, helpless creatures.
I'm just saying, that's what Dr. James Brown would advise.
You're still doing your jester act.
Dig it down to the vet.
While the creatures are dying.
You should dig it to the vet.
While the animals of the big British castle die of a mysterious disease.
All the mothers and children are frightened that the court jester is still dancing around, stamping on kittens obliviously while he peddles his latest hopeless routine.
based on material from the 60s.
You might remember that recently we ran a competition called Video Wars.
It was a sort of a spin-off from Song Wars.
We asked listeners to make videos to two Song Wars tracks, Meatballs or Jane's Brain, and we had an amazing quantity of high-quality entries.
And the prize was to come into the studio and watch the show being made.
Like visiting the Wizard of Oz.
Well, in terms of it being really disappointing.
When you finally get there.
And we're very happy to have the winner of Song Wars in the studio right now, Mr. Chris Salt.
Hello, Chris.
Hello.
How are you doing?
i'm fine thanks chris i'm gonna call you i'm gonna give you some options for things i want to call you well i'd like to call him salty i was gonna call him that was the top of the you know that was the plant that the root a nickname yeah how do you feel about salty it's one i've heard before can i call you a salt on precinct 13
I would prefer that actually.
Can I call you saltine?
No.
What about sea salt?
That's a popular one too.
Is it?
Yes.
What do people call you at work?
Crisp.
Crisp.
I hadn't thought of that one.
Can I call you ready salted crisps?
You haven't heard that.
Come on.
That's genius.
That's a new one.
The salt man?
I've not heard salt man.
A salt with a deadly crisp?
He's not heard salt man.
He hasn't heard a salt with a deadly crisp.
The salt man.
I'm writing that down.
It's like being six again, isn't it?
So weird.
When June rolls around, do people call you Somersault?
They don't.
No.
Well, they're going to now.
I look forward to it.
OK, Chris, that part of the show is over now.
You can relax.
Go home.
You may now go home.
You may now leave.
So listen, congratulations on your video.
It was really, really good.
And if there's anyone out there who hasn't checked it, you could go on the BBC Six Music website and look at Chris's video.
It's extraordinarily good.
It's all done with Lego.
It really is.
And you're a bit of a Lego film expert, right?
You have a kind of hobbyist studio at home and make lots of these amazing little Lego men films.
I've made a few, yeah.
Yeah.
May I ask about your personal situation?
Are you married?
Do you have children?
I have a long-time cohabiting lady partner who prefers not to be called a girlfriend.
Yeah, fair enough.
Yeah, we've been together for 12 years.
And she works, presumably, does she go into the office?
Yes.
Right, and leaving you to basically stay at home, or do you go into the office as well?
I go to the office as well.
I work 9-5.
So when you get back, you ignore your long-time cohabiting lady partner and you head straight for the Lego studio.
Correct, yeah.
And I spend the whole night there.
Because that must have taken a while.
How long did it take you to make the video for Video Wars?
It was about three days.
Right.
I actually had a couple of days off work, so it was just me in the house on my own.
And this is you literally on your own, moving all the little figures, doing stop motion and stuff, or is she, is your lady partner helping you every now and again?
It's just me.
Right.
There's not really room in there for more than one person.
We used to do a lot of animated stuff ourselves, obviously, with Star Wars figures and toys.
And it is, I mean, it's one of the nicest ways to spend your time, is it not?
It's, yeah, it's fun.
Like for a man.
It's very immersive, isn't it?
It's wonderful.
You really lose track of time and space.
You get in a little stop motion bubble.
Yeah.
Get completely absorbed in it until something catches fire.
Or you cut your finger or something hideous.
You drop some hot melt glue on your hand.
That's what used to happen to us with the glue gun.
But you haven't got that problem with Lego, have you?
No.
The only problem I have is I'll get up in the morning, start filming, I'll stop filming and look outside and it's dark.
Right.
And you know, I've kind of missed a day.
You look like less of a hobbit than I imagined.
I actually imagined a kind of cave dwelling person to come in with deep dark rings under their eyes and stuff and a pallid complexion and you you look like a normal pretty healthy happy sort of a person I was surprised
Now Chris Salty, the salt man, the salt on a deadly crisp.
Have you had amazing feedback since winning this competition?
I'd imagine the phone has not stopped ringing.
Is that right?
It's not started ringing.
It hasn't started ringing.
So close, yeah.
There may be a technical problem.
Hi, this is Chris Salt, the salt man, and now here's another bit.
Textination, text, text, text, textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Text the Nation, this week, listeners, is all about new shows for BBC Three, the nation's most thrusting, forward-thinking channel for 16 to what?
24-year-olds.
Yes.
God knows they need new ideas.
God knows they don't need any new ideas because they've got so many good ones already.
But just in case they did, that's what we're asking you to do.
I thought of an idea.
And of course, they must be very carefully targeted to the 16 to 24-year-old demographic whose obsessions we're all aware of.
Killing.
Exactly.
Drugs, sex, and swearing.
And cakes.
And cakes.
Do you want to hear my idea?
Please, yes.
Your Filthy Groin.
Like it.
Is the name of the show.
Dr. Amanda Janine travels the UK.
Do you know Amanda Janine?
No.
She's beautiful.
Is she real?
No.
Dr. Amanda Janine travels the UK, meeting the teens with the worst conditions between their legs.
Oh dear, that's a shame, isn't it, about that one.
You don't like it?
It just sounds horrible, but... Well, exactly.
It's getting a commission.
Come on.
What's it called again?
Your filthy groin.
It's like how clean is your house except for another area.
Yeah.
I think people would like it, you know?
Plus, imagine all the earths that you would see.
Let's have some ideas from the listeners.
Okay then, here are some ideas from the listeners.
This comes from Chris Kerman.
He's pitching a show and Adam, I'd like you to be the BBC Three Commissioner.
Okay.
Maybe Chris as well.
You could be a BBC Commissioner as well.
Okay.
And this is the idea I'm pitching you.
It comes from Chris Kerman's production company.
It's called Will Smith or Won't Smith?
A lighthearted series where kid's favourite Will Smith, yeah, Adam's friend, visits blacksmiths in rural England and is later judged on his blacksmithery.
A new slant on the generation game theme.
What do you think?
Will Smith?
I mean, Will Smith is good.
Kids love Will Smith.
And we're sure it's the rapper rather than the comedian he's talking about.
He must be talking about the rapper, surely.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Quickly, any... No, I'm not commissioning that.
It doesn't sound in any way to do with nipples.
Chris Salt, any commission on that one?
I think if he was using the smithy to make knives, then it might be a fly.
Very good point, to sharpen implements, yeah.
Or gats.
If it was a gat factory, then that would be different.
Okay, well we'll go back to them with that note and see if they can re-pitch.
If it was a gat factory...
This is from David Bradbury, he says, new BBC3 idea, knife swap.
Two teens from different areas of the country, different social stratas, etc, swap their street tool of choice for two weeks.
Perhaps they have to roll with each other's gang and try to introduce their own rules, stroke, funny, handshake, etc.
Christmas special of celebrity knife swap, it just says at the end.
Doesn't have any ideas for what it is.
It just says it.
That's good, come on.
Just some holly around the knives.
Yeah.
That's good, isn't it?
I think it is good because it's... Oh, I was trying to stab you with a gun, mate.
Sorry.
Another comic moment.
From Knives Run.
Jabbing someone with a pistol.
Julie is very unhappy with Mandy's knife.
It's just not the kind of knife I'd normally use.
I'd go for a carving knife.
She uses this little peeling thing.
I mean, what are you supposed to do with that?
They don't really talk like that, children, these days, do they?
Children.
Well, I like it because it's dealing with a very serious subject that's current and topical, but it's doing it in a grotesquely flippant way.
So I'm going to commission that one.
One more quick, Chris, are you commissioning that knife swap for the title alone, surely?
It's a format we know and love.
Finally, Mike from Nottingham suggests a series called Belt Up.
Young people are taken by someone off Emmerdale to experience life for a week with their trousers pulled up properly.
They just get their trousers yanked up.
Belt up!
Yeah, I like that.
Simon Cowell, that would be the more obvious presenting choice for that.
Absolutely.
He's got famously high trousers, he could be a celebrity judge.
He does, he looks, this is probably not a new observation, but he does look as if he's just wandering around with straps coming in, like he's on a harness.
Yes.
And they've just painted the harness out.
Yeah, like a clown whose braces have got caught in a ceiling fan.
That should be on his business card.
I think it is.
Somersault.
Somersault.
All the nicknames we've got going for him there.
And we're going to give him some gifts because the prize for this competition, and he did do an amazing bit of work.
I mean, it must have taken you a while and you really put your blood, sweat and tears into it.
So we need to try and match that with the level of gifts.
The BBC, being a state funded company,
can't really... Is it a company even?
I don't think it is a company.
Just a sort of corporation.
There you go.
It can't be doing with things like prizes.
It just doesn't suit the economy.
So these are all personal gestures from Adam and I. I just grabbed some stuff on my way out.
It looks like Adam might have put a bit more thought into his gifts.
Not really.
No, I did put thought into it.
Let's give him some, first of all, some proper Adam and Joe related gifts.
Adam and Joe related booty.
First of all, don't know if you already own this, the Adam and Joe DVD.
I do already own it but not with Scribbles on it.
Not with Scribbles on it and not with the original TX cards from the first four series plus an invitation to our book launch which was about 10 years ago.
So if time travel's invented.
Can't go to that one.
They'll be worth a lot.
Also very rare item, invitation to our Oscars 2000 party which we never had in the end because we just couldn't be bothered.
I think we just got, like many things in our career, we almost got there
But then we just got tired and decided to stay at home.
So that's exciting.
What else has he got there?
He's got a copy of the Adam and Jo Song Wars album volume one.
Now, which is only available digitally.
That's right.
There's a CD copy.
Printed you out a special inlay there, Chris, and this is a promo copy.
Look, it's all, you got a CD there with our stupid faces on, and we've written on it for you there.
Thank you.
It's exciting.
Here's a rare item.
This is my DVD commentary for the Priory.
Oh, excellent.
Done as Ken Corder talking about the amazing program, the Priory.
Are you into just freestyle gifts?
Yes, yes.
Do you want to do one?
Here's a special gift.
This is the very rare Adam and Jo book.
It's exciting, it's worth... How much on eBay?
75 quid at the last... I've only got three copies left.
Now I've only got two left.
Sorry if the spine's a bit broken.
Adam and Jo book, published in when?
1999?
Something like that.
98.
Very rare, but very funny.
Now Chris, if I were to ask you what your favourite movie was that you didn't have, that you've been unable to get hold of.
If there's one movie that you've really been unable to get a hold of.
I'd have to I'd have to think about it because yeah, what would it be?
It would probably be the Santa Claus.
Yes With Tim Allen that one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I've been after that for so long.
A copy of Tim Allen's The Santa Clause on DVD.
And it's not Clause C-L-A-W-S.
It's U-S-E as in a legal clause.
It's like a legal clause, yeah.
Exactly.
And if you have a look in there, there's the actual disc.
Good.
That's the happiest day of my life.
Chris, that's a digital versatile disc.
That is, yeah.
Have you got a DVD player yet?
We got one just recently, yes.
Did you?
Brilliant.
Well, that's an hour and a half of fun for you.
Now, what's your favourite recent DVD release?
Recent ones, I would have to say it's probably Fool's Gold.
Yes, starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey.
Now, Joe was talking about this film the other week.
He played a few clips of Ray Winston doing his American accent.
And I actually got suckered into going out and buying it because Joe made it sound quite good and romantic and like there was nice locations and stuff.
And he said my wife would like it.
So I bought it with my money and watched it.
And it's brilliant.
So Chris, I'm giving you the gift.
Thank you very much.
Chris, finally, is there a double bill that you really, really wish you could get your hands on?
If there was a double bill, it would have to be the two Gs.
The Golden Compass, obviously.
It's a good film.
But also, Goal.
The Impossible Dream.
Well, there you go.
Look at that.
The double bill.
A genuine Golden Compass DVD and a DVD of the film Goal.
What a great letter G based double bill that'll be.
I'm a huge football fan as well.
I can tell.
So am I. So there you go.
Also, Chris, from my shelves, for some reason, still... Some of these might have pornography in them.
For some reason still in the foil wrapping.
One foot in the grave.
One foot in the grave, series four.
There you go.
Imagine you've got a spare copy just in case your copy got broken.
I thought you might like some fake dynamite, some plastic dynamite.
That's for you as well.
Every time I go past the shop I think I need fake dynamite.
Johnny Vegas, 18 stone of idiot, unseen and uncut.
I don't even know what I was doing on my shelf.
But there it is.
Now it's going to be on yours.
Some badges.
Incredible.
Now these are quite good.
Now here's an actual good present for you, Chris, because I bought an extra copy of this by mistake.
But have you seen this film?
I haven't.
I do quite like SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie.
Oh, that's a good film.
That is an absolute smash.
So that is a good present for you there.
Uh, here is another, uh... My turn.
Uh, AMFM floating duck radio.
That's a rubber duck with a radio in it so you can listen to the radio in the bath.
Why did you have that?
You don't get such a delight when you listen to the show.
I didn't want it.
That wasn't a present from a human being, was it?
What?
What do you think it was, a present from a duck?
No, I thought maybe you picked it up like it was a freebie or something.
No, no.
Someone gave that to you and now you're giving it away?
That is a little... Yeah, to Chris.
...cold, isn't it?
Do you want it?
Are you jealous?
Oh, yeah, a little bit.
Hey, you want some flavour?
Well, why not have a ready salted crisp?
Because my name's Chris Salt.
Salt.
Ready salted.
See?
Here's another bit.
We made promises about touching our guests inappropriately as well.
Do you remember those promises, Chris?
I do remember those promises.
How does me talking about those promises make you feel right now?
Slightly flushed.
Flushed.
Excited.
Scared.
flushed in a good way I think really yes whereabouts would you like to be touched in the studio really it's a bit adventurous isn't it I'm man I'm not going to touch you going straight for the studio is he have you kept your studio clean
Stop it.
We don't want to alter the setting on any of your knobs either.
Speaking of which, have we got any more ideas for Text the Nation or are we not going to do that?
We do, yeah, plenty more.
Do you want to hear some more?
Yeah, go on.
So here's an idea that's coming from Barry in Walthamstow.
and it's called Get Off Your Facebook.
Youngsters compete to see how quickly they can lose all their Facebook friends by indulging debauched and hedonistic activities such as, you get the idea, fights and drugs and drowning visually impaired kittens whilst publishing photos and messages on their Facebook account.
Why would they lose their friends like that?
Lose their friends?
It's just how quickly can you lose all your friends on Facebook.
What do you think, Chris?
Well, I think the suggestions there would actually gain you friends on Facebook.
That's true, that's true.
It wouldn't work.
The format's fundamentally flawed.
Not commissioned.
I'll take it the other way maybe.
Also, I'm worried that Facebook is going to be a bit passé.
You're right, it's all about Bebo now.
Or no, it's not about Bebo anymore.
It's about Wizzbot or something we haven't even thought of yet.
So no commission, Chris?
Not for me, no.
Not for me.
You'd make a good commissioning editor.
You have a very mild manner.
And even if you were rejecting someone, you'd do it very softly.
Tell us, how would you reject the person who came up with that show?
It's a good idea.
I don't think it's BBC Three material.
That's what they said to you, isn't it, Adam?
That's exactly what they said to me.
That's exactly what they said to you.
And they said it in that voice.
Don't do that big grin and laugh afterwards.
That's not so polite.
Yeah.
Do you want another one?
Except with me, they held up two fingers as well.
Did they?
Yeah.
That's how kids respect, offer respect these days.
And then as I was walking out the door, they blew a giant raspberry.
Dale, who is a 16 to 24 year old, proposes a show called Make Me a BBC 3 Viewer.
A frustrated 25 year old is annoyed at having to miss out on all the sweary BBC 3 goodness.
A hip team of 16 to 24 year olds are brought in to show this over the hill wannabe how to get down with the kids and adapt his lifestyle in order to be allowed to view the channel again.
He grows his hair, wears skinny jeans, starts to casually swear, and he's allowed to stay within the demographic for another year until the trends change.
I like that one.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So 24-year-olds doing a makeover on a fogeyish 25-year-old.
Yes?
Yeah, that's a go.
That's a go, well done.
And finally, maybe, Ross Foley from Edinburgh.
His pitch is Little Kiss.
Little Chris, you know Little Chris?
I'm aware of him.
Yeah, you're a big fan of him probably, hosts a dating show in which a group of screaming goth girls compete in challenges, sexy rock climbing, sexy chess, sexy golf, each...
each of which are set out to test their dating credentials.
Come on, sexy chest.
It's naked.
The winner's prize is a short tour around London with Fern Cotton, followed by the opportunity to kiss little Chris a little bit whilst riding on the London Eye.
That's good, isn't it?
Come on.
Where's the one with Danny Dyer?
All right, look, here's a better one.
Matt and Sheffield.
Future Phone Phone.
A teenage gang steals an experimental mobile phone from a government laboratory.
Once activated, the phone has amazing ringtones, knife skills, and jump really high.
All is cool, and then the phone gets popular, but then it gets pregnant by Bluetooth and the gang have to look after its phone.
It's getting silly.
I like the way that the pitch is written as well.
The actual language and the grammar.
Right, without proper language or grammar.
But the idea of a gang stealing an experimental government mobile phone is good.
Love it.
Love it.
That's really good.
We're going to throw all the annual budget at that one idea.
Yeah, some CGI dinosaurs as well.
I like it.
Yes.
It's in.
There we go.
So a couple of commissions.
Sting.
when you get in the sting zone, because some of those were very good.
I think we might use some of those, like, on future podcasts.
Regularly.
Don't you reckon?
Hey, Chris, thank you very much for coming in.
Yeah, no problem.
And thank you for appearing on our show and also on the podcast.
We don't know what we would have done without you.
Yeah, it's been a real pleasure meeting you, seriously, quite sincerely.
This is like the bit on Jonathan Ross' TV show where he's just rude for the length of the whole interview and then right at the end he suddenly does a handbrake turn into sincerity and goes, it's been an absolute pleasure meeting you and seriously, apart from all the insulting things I said before, you're wonderful and thank you so much for coming in.
So that's exactly what I'm doing to you, Chris.
Thank you very much indeed for your efforts in the Video Wars competition and for coming in and being such a good sport today.
We'll be back.
Sorry, Chris?
Did you have something to add?
No, I was just going to say thank you for having me.
Oh, an honour and a pleasure.
And have a great day in London Town.
Careful not to get knifed.
Hey, have a great day in London Town, because they're amazing dogs.
Inconvenient on the tube.
That is true.
Don't have a great day.
We'll be back next week between 9 and 12, live on BBC Six Music.
Until then, bye bye.
Take care.
I love you.
Bye.
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